i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days