sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
