so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
We need a shit load of segways right now
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
