I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
