i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
