You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
