My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
