Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
