Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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