I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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