..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
