okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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