using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
