Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
