home. puking in laundry basket.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
