I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
