nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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