Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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