Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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