About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
