Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
