Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
