He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
