If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
