i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
