someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
