So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
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I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
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Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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