i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
