It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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