You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I intend to get homeless drunk
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Randomize
