Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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