oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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