FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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