im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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