Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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