you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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