K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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