there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
