i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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