so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Randomize
