I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
