I think I died a long time ago.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
