Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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