Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So gin and wine won't be happening again
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
