Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
