I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
