I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
