I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
