i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
