im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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