I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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