well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
