I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
