Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
porn star boner night. come get it.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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