My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
