It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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