Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
