Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
