He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
