the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
