My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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