I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
