never play flip cup with pint glasses
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
