My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
